The other side of aspiration

As a student, maybe even as a human being generally, you tend to spend a lot of your time looking up at other people.  Without being overly humble, I think it's safe to say that most people are aware of being inferior in ability or passion to someone in any given activity.  This year, I've been trying to come to terms with the flip side of aspiration -- that is, being the supposed expert at (some) things academic, social, and athletic.

Academic-wise, people starting their grad work see that I'm a third-year PhD and assume I've got everything sorted out.  Compared to where I started, that's actually kind of true, but there's still a lot to sort out.  My supervisor (did I mention I got a new one?) wants me to outline exactly what chunks are left to fill in, but it's tricky because I haven't been writing each chapter in sequence -- rather, I add incrementally to all of them as I go.  Added to that, I need to go back to The Poems of Tennyson (~650 pages x 3 volumes) and read through them again now that I know what I'm looking for.  When do I have time to do that, exactly?  Oh, and I need to publish to have any hope of a job, but there's no time for that, either... Sigh.  But at least the dissertation does have a shape, and I do know more or less what I'm looking for now.  As for social things, I kind of get how things run in college and the faculty now, so I occasionally doll out advice.

But what really has been on my mind is the baffling position of being an advanced person in athletics.  I came to Cambridge never having rowed, and to be honest I was pretty gimpy at it for a while.  Now, because of how quickly the population turns over in our small college, I'm in a position of some authority.  I never dreamed I would actually be the women's captain.  My first year, the club did amazingly well in bumps, and I regarded those above me (W1, the captains) with awe and admiration.  Yet simply by continually turning up for two years, here I am.  I've become a relative (relative!) expert in our club in terms of technique and, more importantly, mental attitude.

The crew I chose for W1 this term is mostly pretty inexperienced; given how recently most of them learned, we've come along well -- but they don't seem to understand that first boat means grim determination.  True grit.  Give it everything, and then give a bit more because the cox tells you to.  I'm accustomed to working my guts out and then still getting moved down a boat because there are others who are bigger/stronger/better.  Now when I talk to Martin (our coach), he talks about me as one of the few who are really good.  That feels good in one way, but also somewhat worrying.  My general approach in most areas is, "If I can do it, anyone can" -- but I have to remind myself that in fact I'm not the appropriate gauge for beginners anymore.  :)