As a student, maybe even as a human being generally, you tend to spend a lot of your time looking up at other people. Without being overly humble, I think it's safe to say that most people are aware of being inferior in ability or passion to someone in any given activity. This year, I've been trying to come to terms with the flip side of aspiration -- that is, being the supposed expert at (some) things academic, social, and athletic.
Academic-wise, people starting their grad work see that I'm a third-year PhD and assume I've got everything sorted out. Compared to where I started, that's actually kind of true, but there's still a lot to sort out. My supervisor (did I mention I got a new one?) wants me to outline exactly what chunks are left to fill in, but it's tricky because I haven't been writing each chapter in sequence -- rather, I add incrementally to all of them as I go. Added to that, I need to go back to The Poems of Tennyson (~650 pages x 3 volumes) and read through them again now that I know what I'm looking for. When do I have time to do that, exactly? Oh, and I need to publish to have any hope of a job, but there's no time for that, either... Sigh. But at least the dissertation does have a shape, and I do know more or less what I'm looking for now. As for social things, I kind of get how things run in college and the faculty now, so I occasionally doll out advice.
But what really has been on my mind is the baffling position of being an advanced person in athletics. I came to Cambridge never having rowed, and to be honest I was pretty gimpy at it for a while. Now, because of how quickly the population turns over in our small college, I'm in a position of some authority. I never dreamed I would actually be the women's captain. My first year, the club did amazingly well in bumps, and I regarded those above me (W1, the captains) with awe and admiration. Yet simply by continually turning up for two years, here I am. I've become a relative (relative!) expert in our club in terms of technique and, more importantly, mental attitude.
The crew I chose for W1 this term is mostly pretty inexperienced; given how recently most of them learned, we've come along well -- but they don't seem to understand that first boat means grim determination. True grit. Give it everything, and then give a bit more because the cox tells you to. I'm accustomed to working my guts out and then still getting moved down a boat because there are others who are bigger/stronger/better. Now when I talk to Martin (our coach), he talks about me as one of the few who are really good. That feels good in one way, but also somewhat worrying. My general approach in most areas is, "If I can do it, anyone can" -- but I have to remind myself that in fact I'm not the appropriate gauge for beginners anymore. :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thirty years and maybe a little wisdom
Earlier this week, I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. I confess I had sort of lost track of its approach, despite having ambitions last term to turn it into a big whoop-de-doo. Last year was possibly my best birthday party ever because I got all my MCR friends together for dinner and proceeded to cocktail night afterward, where we got drunk and silly together and generally had a grand old time. This year, I took my cue from that to plan a night with friends.
The evening was considerably calmer this time, but it was still a winner. Dinner with some folks, a stop at a couple pubs with others, and then back home -- where a small group raided kitchens for wine and we sat talking until 5am in the dim lights of the common room with rain falling into the garden outside. I got almost no sleep, because I had to be up for training the next day; as Gilbert & Sullivan put it, "Duty, duty must be done, the rule applies to everyone; and painful though that duty be, to shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee." But it was totally worth it.
"So," people keep asking me, "how does it feel? What wisdom do you have to share?" I more or less laughed off these questions, because the difference from one day to another is not that substantial, and therefore January 30th felt very much like January 29th, and age 30 thus far is not strikingly different from age 29. However, lately I've been thinking that somewhere along the way I've acquired some wisdom after all. Without going into detail, a close friend (a current undergrad) is having something of a crisis in her personal life, and since I was peripherally involved in the situation she and I have been talking about it a lot in the past few days. Although it's a thorny and uncomfortable situation, I find that at this age I know -- not just intellectually but in my bones -- that things like this happen, that it's part of the complicated mess of trying to muddle through life with the best intentions, and that it will all work out one way or another as long as everyone means well. Understanding that, and the corollary that we have to empathize with people in their tight spots, feels like wisdom worth having. And I'm so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin now than I was at 20 that I'd say the decade bodes well.
The evening was considerably calmer this time, but it was still a winner. Dinner with some folks, a stop at a couple pubs with others, and then back home -- where a small group raided kitchens for wine and we sat talking until 5am in the dim lights of the common room with rain falling into the garden outside. I got almost no sleep, because I had to be up for training the next day; as Gilbert & Sullivan put it, "Duty, duty must be done, the rule applies to everyone; and painful though that duty be, to shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee." But it was totally worth it."So," people keep asking me, "how does it feel? What wisdom do you have to share?" I more or less laughed off these questions, because the difference from one day to another is not that substantial, and therefore January 30th felt very much like January 29th, and age 30 thus far is not strikingly different from age 29. However, lately I've been thinking that somewhere along the way I've acquired some wisdom after all. Without going into detail, a close friend (a current undergrad) is having something of a crisis in her personal life, and since I was peripherally involved in the situation she and I have been talking about it a lot in the past few days. Although it's a thorny and uncomfortable situation, I find that at this age I know -- not just intellectually but in my bones -- that things like this happen, that it's part of the complicated mess of trying to muddle through life with the best intentions, and that it will all work out one way or another as long as everyone means well. Understanding that, and the corollary that we have to empathize with people in their tight spots, feels like wisdom worth having. And I'm so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin now than I was at 20 that I'd say the decade bodes well.
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