An Ash Wednesday reflection

A pause in the usually vivacious nature of my entries.  As Cambridge's Lent term draws near its close, actual Lent begins tonight.  I attended a small Ash Wednesday ceremony in Trinity Hall's tiny chapel, and I was struck, as I often am, by the confessional line, "We have not forgiven others as we have been forgiven."

Maybe it's especially because in the last year I dealt regularly with someone who was emotionally borderline abusive and thus one of the very few people in the world whom I actually, truly hate(d).  I was taught as a child not to use that word casually because of the strength and viciousness of what it implied; I use it intentionally and with full force here.  In any case, I find myself once again wondering what exactly forgiveness is -- how it looks, how it feels, how you do it.  Here are some aspects of that pondering, still unresolved.  I remember Pastor Greg at UniChu gave a good sermon on this once, but I don't think he gave a firm solution, either.

• I'm naturally a person who doesn't hold a grudge for very long, at least in terms of how I spend my mental energy day-to-day.  But I can and do become re-angered when recalling certain offending events.  With time, eventually even the ability to re-conjure anger fades.  But this seems to me not to be real forgiveness.  It's just letting time heal wounds.  And what if someone naturally finds it harder to let go, or it takes way longer (or never) for that fading of anger to happen?  I think part of the answer is to keep yourself from indulging in the satisfaction of going over and over your reasons for resentment.
• Alternatively, you can try to perform a moment of forgiveness.  I generally think of this as resolving in your head and stating to the universe, "I forgive so-and-so."  But if you have to encounter that person again, you may quickly find that you haven't wiped your mental slate clean.  Does the offense have to be over before you can forgive it, or do you have to sustain forgiveness as a process as long as you encounter the offense?
• Do you really have to do/say something face-to-face?  Because much of the time it's inappropriate to say explicitly, "You are in the wrong, but I forgive you."  There may be power dynamics involved (e.g. at work), or you could just come across as condescending and make matters worse if the other person doesn't think they're doing anything wrong.

I suspect this is one of those questions that no one will ever have a neat answer for.  And it's worth mentioning that I'm aware and grateful for the fact that I have little cause for resentment in my life.  I have the love of family and friends, health and intelligence, the opportunity to put them to use, and the humility (I hope) to appreciate these things.  For these very reasons, I don't want to be lazy and get away with not knowing how to forgive just because it doesn't come up very often.  A good contemplation for Lent.