"We all are changed by still degrees"

It's always a treat for me to stumble upon an apt quotation. The other day, I was editing one of my former dissertation chapters (more on that later), and I found Tennyson reflecting that it's only right that

                changes should control
Our being, lest we rust in ease.
We all are changed by still degrees[.]

There's no doubt at all that I changed by "still degrees" during the PhD, but my life is also in the process of changing slowly. For now, I have a balance that works for my multiple desires, but it feels very just-for-now, which keeps me itchily looking for what's next. Even though I'm not at all ready to commit to only one direction. Here's the latest:

Work

It may sound petty, but I am so ready to be earning money again. My tech editing gig has been bumped up to 20 hours a week, which is a huge surge in income compared to my student days. The trick is getting myself to do those full 20 hours in a job that doesn't require me to physically turn up very often. Part of me drools over how much I would be earning if I worked full-time, but a) it's not clear whether I'd like the job if I had to do it all the time, b) I really, really value my flexible schedule, and c) I need time in my schedule to do:

Research

This one feels like it has dropped off a lot since I got back from Cambridge, but I wonder whether that's actually the case. Even in that extra year that I spent in England after graduating, with supposedly nothing to do but research, I didn't accomplish an impressive amount. In my current life, I usually spend one afternoon (four hours) a week in the Stanford library, compiling a massive list of William Morris's off-rhymes. I'll write about that project in depth in another post, but I think it will be really cool in the end -- if I don't get bogged down in trying to be comprehensive about minutiae. (Ha!)

Rowing!

Remember that thing I used to spend a lot of my time doing? I researched local rowing clubs, and there aren't a lot of them. Both of the ones I contacted were slow to respond, but eventually I had a practice outing with each. I think I'm going to join the one that trains on a reservoir up in the hills. Among other things, it really does make a difference to be out in the fresh air someplace pretty. It's invigorating for the spirit as well as the body. But it does involve getting up at 4:00am, so I'm a bit wary of committing to doing it multiple times a week.

So that's where we stand, ladies and gents. Each week slides by with me trying to do as much as I can of work and research. I also browse job postings, trying to imagine what I might like doing as a full-time working adult. I vacillate between confidence that I'm a highly skilled, intelligent person and the depressing feeling that I'd have trouble convincing others of my value to their company. But since I'm not ready to throw in the towel with regards to research, I shall carry on with the current structure for the moment.

Life in transition

Well, I'm back. The England adventure is over, and it feels very strange to say that.

Right now, I'm taking my new life one day at a time, and I'm focusing my thoughts on reorganizing my bedroom. It's something I've felt needed doing every time I came home for visits, but I never had the time. Now there is both time and necessity: I've returned with three suitcases of clothing, and boxes of books and miscellaneous items will be headed my way soon. I have to find a place to put everything, and possibly get rid of some things I haven't missed while I was away.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I'm self-aware enough to realize that part of my enthusiasm for this project is that it gives me something to do that I can control. I'm literally bringing order to chaos as I shop around for a bookcase that will fit what little wall space I have left and research the options for creating more closet shelving. It also helps that my old roommate (whom I liked very much!) has moved out, and she had a lot of stuff in the common spaces. Although I miss her cheerful presence, I can make more use of the living room now that her furniture is gone. My professional future may be murky, but by the time I'm done, my apartment will have a place for everything, and everything will be in its place. Even me.

My new IKEA bookcase,
plus a newly framed photo of PhD graduation

When not sorting, shifting, or assembling, I continue the part-time editing work I've been doing for about a year and a half. The company has been very patient and flexible with me as I traveled the world, and I want to repay that generosity with some fixed dedication now that my life is a bit more stable. It will take time to work out my new routine, including extracurriculars, so I focus on the satisfaction of getting a little bit more off the floor each day. And it is very satisfying indeed.

The final stretch

Greetings and a happy new year to all!

My six weeks in the U.S. were full of travel. I'd found cheap airfare from London to L.A., so I started with a week there, including visiting Disneyland with a friend who knows all the trivia about it. After a week in Palo Alto, I swung through Seattle to visit my grandma on the way to my brother's family in Boise. That's where I celebrated Christmas, along with my parents. And almost immediately afterward, I was off to Los Angeles again, joining the Stanford Band for a third trip to the Rose Bowl.

In mid-January, I returned to England for the last couple months of the visa I received under the Doctorate Extension Scheme. I have said several times that I was going home, and yet I kept putting it off. The nominal reason was that I'll probably never again have the chance to live here for months at a time, just doing research, singing, and rowing. Why throw that away? But as you might guess, it was also emotionally difficult to pull the plug on this entire other life I've built up. I love my life in California, so returning there is not a punishment by any means. But some part of me is worried that it will be like Cambridge never happened.

It was only this weekend that the emotional part really struck me, though. Until now, when people asked how I felt about leaving, I told them honestly that I was at peace with it because I simply had no choice. I don't have to pick one of my lives; my time here has come to its natural conclusion. But suddenly yesterday I really realized that I will have no place here anymore. Even the idea of taking my books off the shelf and watching my room drain of my personality is depressing, whereas before I was focused on the logistics of how I would do it all.

I know it will all work out, but every now and then we have to give ourselves grieving space. I've just been reminded that I'll be needing that.

"A dissertation is not a book"

If you search the internet for advice on turning your dissertation into a book, that is the sentence you will see most often. Advice columns repeat it a lot, certain that you don't believe them. I believe them, I really do! But when it comes to the specifics, I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Things they say:

• Cut down your overabundance of citations: Okay, I can do that.

• Remove your methodology and lit review sections: I barely had these. Basically, I should cut most of my (short) introduction.

• Write more engagingly for a non-specialist audience: I've done that all along. I know this, because my supervisor called me out on it a lot.

• Rearrange everything to a) say the most interesting stuff first, and b) make your argument emerge.

The last one is what I'm struggling with. Unlike American PhDs, I didn't have hermetically-sealed chapters that each handled separate authors. I had themes that bled into each other. I spent the last few months before submission moving things around between different chapters. I simply don't know where I would move things again, having spent a lot of time finding the right place for them.

So am I deluded? Did I actually manage to write a dissertation that doesn't require total reorganization? These are the decisions I weigh as I prepare a book proposal. I moved onto that project after I finally sent off an article I'd been working on for ages (including two trips to Lincoln). What a relief that was! I dearly hope it gets accepted.

In the meantime, end-of-term festivities kicked off with the choir's annual advent carol service and wine-soaked dinner yesterday. I have the rest of the week to pack up for winter break and consult any books that might inform said book proposal. The weather has turned windy, gray and miserable, guaranteeing that the annual Fairbairns race will be the usual uncomfortable experience. On we muddle...

Counting magpies

For most of the autumn, I've felt extremely unsettled -- more so than ever before. With the wisdom(?) of experience, I was relying on the fact that this, too, shall pass. So I muddled through each day, trying to balance what everyone wants (which is a firm plan of wtf I'm going to do next) but really wanting to avoid dealing with any of it. Surprisingly, I was greatly refreshed by attending my ten-year Stanford reunion. Many, if not most, of my fellow Cardinal Class of '05-ers are in unsettled professional situations: changing career paths or generally having taken a while to end up someplace unexpected. That was comforting to hear.

Now back in England, I am trying to face the coming months of uncertainty with fortitude, but I notice that I've taken to a particular brand of casual omen-reading. There's an old nursery rhyme about the fortunes indicated by how many magpies you see. It's also the namesake of one of the first bands I liked, Counting Crows:

One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for girls
Four for boys
Five for silver
Six for gold
Seven for a secret never to be told

(You can read more about various versions of this superstition here.) Magpies are very common in Cambridge, including the backyard of the wonderful house where I live. So when I glance out the kitchen window and see magpies, I've taken to counting them. Of course, I don't actually think these birds are predicting my future. But it's possible to not believe in superstitions yet do them anyway -- in which case, can you really be said not to buy into them? Do you touch or knock wood if you've predicted something good to happen?

My favorite Victorian, John Mitchell Kemble, liked to argue that the old pagan gods still lurked within daily life in superstitions, place names, and expressions. And as much as we claim to be more reasonable than our medieval ancestors, there's something deeply attractive in trying to detect a message behind what you see, whether it's the patterns of the leaves I'm currently watching blow off the willow outside the library, or the number of stark white and blue-black fluttering wings. So I count. And then I carry on.

Playing detective

There's a chill in the air. The crush of tourists has eased, and there is the faintest tint of red at the tips of the tree branches. Which means: it's time to apply for jobs! Just over a week ago, the MLA posted its annual jobs list, so I now have a meagre list of potential academic positions for which to apply.

The Tennyson monument outside Lincoln Cathedral

Having recently read up on how to make myself an attractive candidate, I'm more aware than ever that I need to get some publications out the door. The one that is closest to done has involved a lot of detective work, which has been surprisingly rewarding -- except when I think that I'm probably chasing a flee on a mouse in the corner of a palace and probably no one will care about the minutiae I am carefully footnoting.

Essentially, I transcribed a portion of one of Tennyson's notebooks, and I've been tracking down the books from which he pulled vocabulary, definitions, and short quotations. Step one -- which I did as part of my dissertation -- was to figure out what his abbreviations stood for. So, G.G.N. = a Renaissance play called Gammer Gurton's Needle. Step 2: from which edition of what book did Tennyson read each of these things? This has involved looking up publication histories and checking what books the poet or his father owned. I also finally -- after five years! -- made the trip to the Tennyson Research Centre, where the lovely librarian set me up to look through potential sources.

All this has been absolutely reliant on Google Books, which has proven invaluable. Sometimes the tiniest thing will put me onto the right track. Which dictionary did he use for the definition and examples of "lettan"? There are three possibilities with almost identical wording. But Tennyson spelled a particular Old English quotation using eth (ð), and two of the three dictionaries spelled the same quotation using thorn (þ). So, thanks to some squinting at the tiny text shown here, I had my answer. Whew!

There's no doubt that this is new information. Will anyone care? Well, that's for the journal to decide. My goal is to send the article on its merry way by the end of the month -- and then on to the next thing.

Unsupervised

My friend Jessica is about to hand in her PhD, and watching her go through the final throes of editing, footnoting, and formatting has thrown me into vivid flashbacks to this time last year. One thing she has said several times is that she doesn't know what she'll do with herself when she doesn't have this project hanging over her every day. It's a valid question, and I find myself taking stock of how I've spent the last year. But much more than looking back, I face forward, contemplating the blank of an unknown future.

A strange thing happens when you're an aspiring academic with a finished PhD and no job to go to. You have to: 1) come up with proposals for what you'll do next, 2) start publishing articles from what you've already done, and 3) begin the process of turning your dissertation into a book. In between doing those things, you must 4) apply to jobs for which you're not yet an appealing candidate. I've always liked organizing to-do lists into neat spreadsheets, and thus I am building a list of jobs for which even my supervisor says I shouldn't bother applying. Sigh.

So I turn my energy toward publishing, which includes doing new research to add onto what was in my dissertation. This is a thing I can control! I will burn through the work and spit out material so that I will have more citations to my name! Rawr! ... or so I tell myself. It has been refreshing and scary in equal measure to feel my way out onto new ground. For one article, I want to look at what some other Victorian poets were doing, as compared to Tennyson. I realize I know almost nothing about them, so I start poking around some introductory sources. So far, so familiar. Then I start finding relevant bits that I snatch up and hoard like the magpie that I am.

The really unnerving thing is that from here on out, I am literally unsupervised. When I produce a draft of something, I can't hand it to my supervisor for insight into what is innovative or obvious. Many of my original bits of research were suggested to me by others. Now I'm supposed to trust my own instincts, I suppose. And make use of my academic network, such as it is. Right now my nose says: "Sushi?" Okay, maybe that's my stomach. Be right back.